Thursday, January 22, 2009


I am NERVOUS about tomorrow.

I have my 6 week infusion / having my blood drawn. Which, usually, not really that big of a deal. It is part of my life, and it makes me feel better.

I am afraid though, that tomorrow my specialist will be able to tell that I am not myself, notice that maybe I'm not as chatty as I usually am, and again try to have me talk to my regular physician about being depressed. Wanting to put me on pills, more pills. I'm afraid that my nurse is going to ask me how I'm doing and I am going to absolutely break down and start crying.
I haven't cried in quite some time, I have been on the verge countless times, but I haven't let myself completely go. They are also going to notice that I have gained weight, isn't that a sign of depression? I don't think I've gained a noticeable amount, but maybe?

I feel small. I feel alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or text or call them back. I'm tired, I slept 10 hours last night and have been exhausted all day.

I'm frustrated. Today, I had a "Lady Doctor" apt. Just a check up. And I have been wondering for quite some time, if I would be able to have kids, if I am fertile, or if my body could physically handle it. I am going to have to be off my meds for the duration, and I can hardly go 6 weeks with out feeling intense pain in my knees, ankles, and neck. And that is with out carrying a baby in me. But my Doctor said there was no way to check, I just have to try to have a baby, then I'll find out. But she said that I have to have an absolutely planned pregnancy. No oops. Because if there is, my meds will mutilate my baby or terminate my pregnancy all together. But they can't check to see if I can even get pregnant, is that true?

I would really like to know now if I am able to have a baby. I would like to know before I get married. Now is an ideal time because I am single. I feel I should let a guy know before we get too serious, because it might be an issue if we have to adopt or try to find a surrogate. I'm mad that I have to even think about this right now. I feel like I have to start saving for adoption, or a sperm bank or something because I don't know if I'll have a husband, if I'll find someone. And I'm tired of waiting.

Why would God put such a strong desire in my heart? I feel like this waiting is killing me. My heart is going to pound out of my chest with frustration. I don't know not to just be happy with how my life is. Why do I want more? I have an amazing family. I at least have a job, not everyone these days can say that. Why can't that be enough? Why do I desire and hunger for more?

I can't finish this now, I am starting to cry and I am working upfront. Very unprofessional.

I guess stay tuned for tomorrow, to see if I am put on even more meds.


Yours Truly said...

Unfortunately, there is no way to really test your fertility that I'm aware of. There are hormone tests they can do to determine if you are ovulating, if certain hormones are at the levels needed to make the environment "good" to fertilize and implant and all that stuff. But, then again, what the hell do I know, I could be dead wrong.

HOWEVER, what I DO know is that any man who is worth becoming your husband and being the partner who you want to start a family with and raise a child with shouldn't care if its your biological child or an adopted child or one you buy off the black market in some small Korean village. All that matters is love and your mutual respect and belief in your desires to have a family together. DNA isn't the only thing that makes people "family". If your future husband feels differently then he just simply isn't worth your time and effort.

You have your entire life ahead of you to be married and a mom. Don't rush things. Time goes by too quickly as it is. Enjoy being young and unattached and free. There is plenty of time for all that other nonsense! :)

Ray said...

Thanks Angela

Kristi said...

Miss Angela can always say things better than I can, so ditto what she said.

Ray said...

Thanks Mama :)

Ray said...

Thanks Mama :)

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