Perfect Timing...

I have a full day tomorrow, so naturally I feel like I am starting to get sick. Its terribly warm in here and my head is plugged, I feel like I am floating in a cloud of congestion.

My fingers are so swollen that my rings are cutting into me.

What am I going to do?
I have a hair appointment at 9..I have brunch at 11:30...I have to go return clothes, check on some books at a new bookstore, and go see my 'nephew' for his very 1st birthday. I really want to give him his gift! ugh. He wasn't feel very well yesterday, which means his little body is fighting off some sort of bug, and if I go see him..not feeling well..he could get whatever bug is trying to bring me down!

Maybe if I could work the same shift atleast 2 days in a row, it would help. It's funny because on my reviews..that is my 'one drawback' that I get sick. I have been doing SO well at not getting sick..you would think that my boss would maybe take that into consideration..maybe try to help me out, to help me prevent getting sick.

nope.

wow..I am cranky when I don't feel well.

I'm tired and want to fall apart..so I am not going to blog again until I have something good to blog about.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon.

Finished

Whew! I am done. I finished my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days!! It took me quite a while to think of that many tasks, but I made it. With the help of my Pretend Babies Mama and some strangers( :) ) I am read to start! I created a blog for it ( http://2years7months28days.blogspot.com/ )

So check it out!

I am beginning on February 1st, 2009.

Here goes!

*Ray

nervous.

I am NERVOUS about tomorrow.

I have my 6 week infusion / having my blood drawn. Which, usually, not really that big of a deal. It is part of my life, and it makes me feel better.

I am afraid though, that tomorrow my specialist will be able to tell that I am not myself, notice that maybe I'm not as chatty as I usually am, and again try to have me talk to my regular physician about being depressed. Wanting to put me on pills, more pills. I'm afraid that my nurse is going to ask me how I'm doing and I am going to absolutely break down and start crying.
I haven't cried in quite some time, I have been on the verge countless times, but I haven't let myself completely go. They are also going to notice that I have gained weight, isn't that a sign of depression? I don't think I've gained a noticeable amount, but maybe?

I feel small. I feel alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or text or call them back. I'm tired, I slept 10 hours last night and have been exhausted all day.

I'm frustrated. Today, I had a "Lady Doctor" apt. Just a check up. And I have been wondering for quite some time, if I would be able to have kids, if I am fertile, or if my body could physically handle it. I am going to have to be off my meds for the duration, and I can hardly go 6 weeks with out feeling intense pain in my knees, ankles, and neck. And that is with out carrying a baby in me. But my Doctor said there was no way to check, I just have to try to have a baby, then I'll find out. But she said that I have to have an absolutely planned pregnancy. No oops. Because if there is, my meds will mutilate my baby or terminate my pregnancy all together. But they can't check to see if I can even get pregnant, is that true?

I would really like to know now if I am able to have a baby. I would like to know before I get married. Now is an ideal time because I am single. I feel I should let a guy know before we get too serious, because it might be an issue if we have to adopt or try to find a surrogate. I'm mad that I have to even think about this right now. I feel like I have to start saving for adoption, or a sperm bank or something because I don't know if I'll have a husband, if I'll find someone. And I'm tired of waiting.

Why would God put such a strong desire in my heart? I feel like this waiting is killing me. My heart is going to pound out of my chest with frustration. I don't know not to just be happy with how my life is. Why do I want more? I have an amazing family. I at least have a job, not everyone these days can say that. Why can't that be enough? Why do I desire and hunger for more?

I can't finish this now, I am starting to cry and I am working upfront. Very unprofessional.

I guess stay tuned for tomorrow, to see if I am put on even more meds.

!!!

So, I'm jazzed.

I just made my first (probably of many...many many) purchase of etsy.com. I will make sure to post a picture of my new item when it comes in the mail!

Actually if you see, to the right (>>>>>) there is a new little gadget. It's this lovely little ladies site that makes fabulous things, including this adorable item that I got!

I'm going to make you wait until I get it though to tell what it is!

:)

{ space }

I have been needing this lately.

I think it's a combination of things, but I have been feeling particularly private lately.

I debated whether I wanted to blog about this or not. I feel like a couple of my friends have been feeling like I've been 'avoiding' them. And they read this blog. So I don't want to go into it too much.

It's hard because before I could blog about anything, and now I feel like I have to watch what I blog about, which defeats the whole purpose of blogging! :)

Such is life. My only one true confidant is God. (Love you)

Not sure why I'm feeling like I am needing { space } right now..but I do. It's hard for me to explain it to anyone when I'm not quite sure myself, which I can assume is frustrating. So I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. It's funny, because I don't feel bad that I need { space }. I just feel bad that my friends don't understand, and I can't help them. I just posted about being so sensitive to so many things, but I am feeling pretty insensitive to people right now.

Not sure how to fix it, not sure I want to fix it.

*side note~

If you are reading this.. please pray for my pretend baby's mama, as she is flying to Florida today, and after the plane in the Hudson yesterday, she is, well, quite freaked out.

Peace out Yo.

Scared

http://www.woodtv.com/dpp/news/Two_Wyoming_schools_vandalized

This is my middle school and high school. The damage was done by two guys that were in my graduating class.

This is why I am scared. What will the world be like when Colin gets to high school? Or even when my kids get to high school? It terrifies me. Those guys had been graduated from high school for almost 6 years, and they still went back to cause $25,000 worth of damage.

I just pray that somehow God will change the hearts of people so there is not this kind of terror in the world.

please.

?

This is my life right now.


I feel like I am on 'auto pilot' for everything, because I have no idea what I want, or where my life is going.

I don't feel upset over anything, in my personal life. Things are for the most part, fine. I am healthy(not sick with a cold or flu or anything), Brylee is doing better. I have been spending time with my mom. I started Weight Watchers with a group of family/friends. I am very excited about this. We are going to have weekly 'weigh-ins", but it'll be private. But it's a chance to see how each other is doing and share some new recipes and walk together and even play the Wii! Spending time with my cousin-in-law to be, which is particularly important to me right now, since my cousin, J, is in the Marines and will be gone until at least August. That is hard. So we went for coffee and she is going to be coming to be joining us for weekly meetings and walks when she doesn't have class. It's nice to have something to look forward to. We also plan to watch the bachelor at our meetings. Man I love that show!

One thing I have been struggling with lately, is sleep. I feel like I fall asleep around midnight-ish each night. Which isn't terrible. But when my neighbors, (who are 55+) start rocking and rolling around 12:30am-2:30am, that keeps me up and I can't fall back to sleep right away. So I've tried sleeping on my couch, but I don't sleep a 'good' sleep. I am in the middle of writing a 'polite' complaint. If that makes sense.

I am looking forward to next Friday. I am getting my infusion. I am very interested to see how my joints are doing and more importantly my red blood cell count, or my hemoglobin. And see if I can warm my specialist up to the idea of me getting a tattoo :) Wish me luck!

The weight of the ? is heavy though. My neck and shoulders hurt. This time of year depresses me. I know it affects a lot of people though.
It is becoming more apparent at work that I need to find another job. It hurts to say this, because there are some people there that I just don't want to leave. It has been made clear that I am replaceable, and just an employee who's feelings or personal life schedule does not matter. Kris, I'm sorry, but I have to vent!

I have an interview on the 26th, so pray that goes well!

I am done venting for now. Mainly because looking down at the screen is reeking havoc on my neck.

Mama, I miss you!
Angela..take care of her!

Sensitive to Life.

That's how I feel right now.

My head is sensitive to sound, as I have THE worst headache I've had since I can remember..probably because I was crying so hard I actually made myself throw up last night...er this morning, it was after midnight that's for sure.

My eyes are sensitive to light, as my lids are swollen from crying so hard, I thought they'd bruise from being clamped shut so hard.

My voice is sensitive and tired, from yelling out to God last night for some sort of understanding. For trying to voice my frustrations with Him, for crying out to feel Him in anyway I could.

My back, arms, and legs are sensitive to movement, because I shoveled my brothers driveway(ok only half of it) yesterday. I haven't shoveled in OVER 10 years. yikes.

My heart is sensitive with longing, because as I held my niece yesterday, I realized how far away I am from being able to have my own kids.

My feelings are OVERLY sensitive, from my lack of sleep. So they are hurting from not getting a call back from of my best friends when I REALLY needed to someone to talk to last night. When I feel like I have been avoiding a certain friend, because I have been overly sensitive, and don't want to make TOO much out of a situation.
Also, because a boy that I was trying to have a good time getting to know, let me know that we can't be more than just friends if we are not physical(ie; sex). I am trying to not take it personally, since we didn't really know each other that well. I am trying to hold onto my faith with both hands. Knowing that God saw me take a stand for what I believe in (Him) and am not going to settle for less than someone who will worship with me. Wow, this is hard. I keep getting told it will all be worth it someday, the wait I mean. When I find that special someone. But damn. Hurry up!

My paranoia is overly sensitive, as I look up from this post and find 4 guests looking at me. Creepy.


To be left on a good note; I am glad to be working with Kristi today, even if we don't talk about my sensitivity, I know I will laugh and have a better day once she gets here.
I also will have a new post coming soon, about my *niece* Brylee May, and yes, there will be pictures. Angela, if you read this, thank you so much for texting with me. She's home and doing very well. Except, I'm sure she misses her Auntie Rachel.

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Today, my Grandpa W. would have been 81.

I just wanted to let him know, in writing, that even though he is not here on Earth with us, I am still thinking about him, celebrating the day of his birth, and don't go a day with out praying for him.

I love you Grandpa! Miss you too.

Over Thinker, Party of one

I always over think things. I know this is not always the best way to go out things. Just so you know, I'm aware of this fault of mine.


So, I met a guy. Kind of. We'll call him Soldier, cause he is one.

We went to high school together, he was in the class below me. Not that I ever talked to him. He was an underclassmen, and psh..they were just babies :) But because of the wonders of facebook..we became 'friends' because on facebook, you kind of just friend everyone that you 'know' or have 'met' ya know?

Anyhow, one night I was kind of just browsing around and, on facebook they have a 'home page' they has little mini feeds of what your 'friends' have been up to. And Someone had written on this guys wall. So I decided to check out his page, see what he's been up to. He had a really cute profile picture of him running in a Disney Marathon with the Epcot ball behind him, and I kinda thought, what the heck..it's not like I know him. So I decided to e-mail him and tell him that I liked his profile picture. About 5 minutes later..I got an email back! He said thanks and that he liked mine too :) And what had I been up to? Had we talked since high school even? So I e-mailed him back..and I said..Did we even ever talk in high school? Told him what I had been up to and what not (that's for your Kris). We emailed back and forth a couple times a day for a couple days, then we started talking on the phone. It was nice :)

On the 30th of December, I decided to be spontaneous (for once!) and call him when I was on the road and had him tell him where he lived so I could bring him Christmas Cookies to him :) it was awkward! haha..but he liked the cookies and that's what counts :) Then on New Years, we talked until 4 in the morning, when I had to work at 9! It was worth it though. He sang to me haha..needless to say he had been drinking!

And then last night, we FINALLY went out :) Boy was I nervous. I hate this part of 'dating' I haven't been on a first date, or really hang out even with a guy in 3 years! I was sweating and my legs were shaking and everything! Afterwards my neck hurt from being so tense and my leg muscles hurt today! Ridiculous!

We met at the Mall and saw Yes Man. He paid :) So it was kind of like a half a date! It was SUPER funny and we had a good time, but we both had places to be after, so we left..and I'm not sure, but I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but he didn't. I think it might have been because we were in the mall and it felt like everyone was staring at us, because we were the only 'couple' that wasn't holding hands or had their arms around each other.
We talked later last night too, and we're thinking about going to a couple of museums and renting The Dark Knight.

It was kind of awkward, but not a bad awkward. I just have some concerns, which is why the title of my post today is so appropriate. Here they are in random order:

He was engaged. Semi-recently.
He is in the Army.
He'll be starting in the reserves (2 weekends a month, 1 week a year) in February
He'll be leaving for GA or OK in October for 6 weeks, then to AZ for 6 months, and then probably to NC for who knows how long. I'm not sure I'm okay with that.
He has a tattoo of his zodiac sign..really.
He is 15 months and 4 days younger than I am.


Stay Tuned...

:)