Saturday, July 18, 2009

I have heard time and time again, that some of my best qualities are also my worst do I change that about myself?

I feel broken.

My mom came to drop off some of my medicine that I left at her house yesterday, and I walked her out to her car, and ended up crying, right there in the parking lot. I haven't done that in a loooong time, not be able to hold myself together.
I want to apologize to my friends, because when I feel like this, I am not fun to be around, and I know that, and that is why I push you away. I'm sorry.

I have been told that I have a big heart, and that I give all of it, too easily. I am too trusting. And that is why I get hurt sometimes. I put myself into things too much, too quickly.

I don't know how not to do that though.

I sometimes hate how my boss pry's into my personal life; today, as I am taking a break in our back office, (I have my face in a book mind you..) he comes back there and asks how Church is and I say it's fine, trying to keep my answers as short as possible so hopefully he'll get the hint and oh I don't know, stop talking to me on my break, but no. He goes on to tell me that I am admirable, because I wasn't raised going to Church, and I don't have a 'support system' from my family, because no one else in my family goes. And how I go to church alone, and he thinks that's so great. He asked how I keep my head up, and keep going. I just answered that I didn't know, I just kept going. But the answer is that I am lonely, and that is the only place I feel peace.
It's not that I sit home alone on my nights off, and sit in the dark and sulk, I go out and have fun with my friends, it's just not where I wish to be.

Feeling like this is dangerous right now; my 'comfort zone' (ie RD) has been wanting to get together lately. It's been hard saying no to him. He knows how to hug me and make me feel better, in the moment anyway.
I keep telling myself to just worry about today, not about 5,10,15 years down the why not try to make myself happy for today and see him? Because I will feel even more lonely if I do, I think.

I have been asking God for a lot of things lately. Mostly for Him to give me reasons as to why things happened the way they did. Why He planned actions to go the way they did. I know I will probably not get an answer from His mouth to my ears. While that would be great, it would also not test my faith. It's so easy to have faith when things are going so great isn't it? It's definitely another thing, when you feel like a shell of a person, to keep trudging through and singing His praises, when you don't know why things had to go the way they did.

I do feel like God is pushing me to be more on my own. I'm wondering if the 'non-believers' in my life, are (unintentionally of course) bringing me down. I am having more patience with this, then anything in my life. I am feeling restless and cooped up. But as we all know, I am a very emotional girl, and have been known to make rash decisions. I need to be careful with big decisions. I wish I had been more careful with my heart. Can't dwell though.(as I am still upset 5 days later haha..)

My heart is also heavy for a spectacular woman who has had an incredibly difficult week. It seems the hits keep coming from out of nowhere, and she just doesn't have a moment to herself. I wish I could make her see how grateful I am to her for making a difficult decision, I'm just not sure how.

I need to figure out how to keep my heart in check, it's hard because I feel as I've done a pretty good job, and have really only lost my heart to 3 guys as far as I can I reflected yesterday, the first I was just completely infatuated with him. Completely caught up. He probably hurt me the most though. It feels good to have forgiven him, and able to talk to him every now and then, and genuinely care how he is doing :) Boy, the second though..he completely rocked my world. He taught me lots of new things. He also showed me that I have 'stick-to-it-tive-ness' I truly loved him, and I back that with my actions. That I wanted to be with him, wanted him to have his own time, his time with the guys...3 years is such a long time to give yourself day after day, especially when you get taken for granted day after day. He was not always all bad though, and I hate that I still get upset when I hear someone say something negative about him. I wonder if I'll always feel that way? I am so grateful to him though, he introduced me to Jesus. Not just by telling me how wonderful He was, but by showing me through his day to day life, how much Jesus was involved, and how great life can be when He is by your side. This guy however, did not bring Jesus into our relationship. That's probably why it didn't last. I can't say for certain though, as God does not answer all of our questions of why. The third, while brief, and only a friendship, was the only 'relationship' I have ever had, that I felt God lead me to and was a part of. It was respectful, intense, kind, and happy. I wish everything was like that, only longer :)

Since this is longer than I thought; I'll leave with a verse of comfort:

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And because He knows, then I shouldn't have to worry. His will, will be done. I am nothing but a humble servant. Amen.

No comments:

About Me

My photo
..., Michigan, United States