To post..or not to post...

That is the question that I have been asking myself for almost a week now. Just because I'm not sure who, and how often they read my blog. And I always try to put myself in others shoes...but today..no, this is my blog, and if you don't like what I have to say..then there is a little 'x' in the top right hand corner of the screen..feel free to click it to navigate away from my page.

Wow..bad attitude. But today, well..I just don't care. You don't care, so why should I?

I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should, like most things in my life..but I'm upset, and a little hurt. So I'm going to blog about it.

Lets make this in to a hypothetical situation shall we?

Lets say, one way or another, you start talking to this guy. He is cute too. And you are kind of (not so secretly) thinking that this might actually go somewhere..someday, because he doesn't live in the same state, like he lives 10 hours way. Which..to you..isn't really that big of a deal, because there won't be any 'intimate' moments, shall we say, until you get married anyway. And you're actually excited about going to visit him, and taking a mini vacation together to, lets say, Chicago. {This is coming off in a way more 'pissed off' tone than I'd like..but again, ohwell} You've even put in lots of time and thought into this guy, because you're excited and happy. Then..a new month rolls around, and he is jam packed with plans, no big deal, you think, you'll just back off this month a little , and then next month, is the month you're suppose to go to Chicago, so that's great! But little by little, you can tell he's losing interest, just by the way when you e-mail or text him and ask him how his weekend went, he's happy to tell you in about 5 words, and then doesn't ask about your weekend, or even how you're doing. Then finally..you go days inbetween hearing from him, or rather hearing back from him, because you are always initiating the e-mails/phonecalls/text messages. And then you dig deep down for enough courage to ask that scary question ' we're not getting together anymore, are we" You don't even add a question mark, because honestly, you know it's just a statement. He lets you know the next day that he feels that you two don't hardly talk anymore, so he's not sure. So you e-mail him, to let him know that you do still really want to see him. When there is no response for over 2 hours, you text him, asking for thoughts on your e-mail...when there are just crickets for over the 6 + hours, you tell him that you'll just take it as he'd prefer not to talk anymore, unless he tells you otherwise, and have a great weekend. And that's it. The guy that tells you that 'not all guys are the same' and not every guy is going to hurt me or be a jerk to me. There are still good guys, like him, out there and I'll see.

Thanks for proving my thoughts on guys right, Tom.

whew...I have been upset about for almost a week now :) I feel better. Life moves on I know. I'm sure I'll meet an amazing guy someday, and even if I don't.... he did make me see that I can get excited about a guy again. So that's good news.


This post is bumming me out, so I'm done for now. I have lots of excited news to share though, so maybe I'll post after I get some more coffee..that always cheers me up. ..too bad you can't date a beverage.

Ah-Ha

Have you ever heard that expression? Someone had their 'ah- ha' moment? whether it be, they saw that they needed to lose weight, or they did something the wrong way, or realized that wait a minute, if I do this, I will get a different outcome!?

Well I had one today. My ah-ha moment is that I realize that people think I am spoiled and don't know how to fend for myself or take care of anything. Which, as I'm standing here, feeling sick to my stomach, maybe it's true? My parents have sheltered/spoiled/taken care of/ looked out for, me on overtime since we found out I had arthritis. Maybe I did take that for granted? I always always appreciated it though. I have been blessed with such great parents. But there comes a time where you need to grow up, mine is now, since I can no longer be covered under their insurance.
Deep breath, and no crying.


My dad has excellent insurance, and now as I am trying to find my own, and figure out a way to pay for it(my car, my credit card, my cell phone, my many medications, dr. visits, etc) I am a little worried. I am also trying to not to freak out over the information overload. I have no idea what any of the insurance jargon means, or if it's a good 'deal' for my situation, or if it's too much money, or if I should call this number for 'kids' getting off of their parents insurance. . . . which I don't want to do, I just want to be able to do one damn thing by myself.
This is where certain people, have made me feel ridiculous for asking certain questions, or not knowing certain things. Certain people, that just offer up their opinion, my feelings be damned. I feel like I am going to make a mistake because now I feel like I have to prove it to everyone around me(with the exceptions of my parents, and you Mama), that I can handle things by myself, with no help. And apparently no hours at work. (different story for a different time)

I feel defeated, and like I am not going to ever be independent. Now I don't want to get married more than ever.

Sorry about the 'woe is me' post, I just don't have anyone to vent to...

Random's

So today, is alittle slow at work..so I am 'blog bouncing' as I like to call it(starting now), and I found this girl that had a random list of things, and I heart randoms!



{1.} I am 24 years old..wow it feels wierd to say that!

{2.} I am excited for my little alone 'adventure' this weekend!

{3.} I have to get my own health insurance by this month!

{4.} I'm scared about that!

{5.} I don't like growing up

{6.} I never thought I'd have to do this by myself.

{7.} I have to 'pop' my left elbow several times a day

{8.} I'm not sure marriage is in my future.

{9.} I think I might be okay with that.

{10.} I think this girl, MH, is awesome for helping me through this blog on gmail chat, thank you!

{11.} I would make a great assistant because I am excellent at anticipating needs

{12.} I am glad that AC will forever remember my birthday because of what happened on it!!(conrats again!)

{13.} Just between Monday and Tuesday, I had already worked 30 hours.

{14.} My friends got me so many amazing gifts for my birthday.

{15.} I heart Jesus.

{16.} Only an hour left of this job today! Woo!

{17.} I feel disconnected to a few certian people lately, and I wish that was different.

{18.} I am going to pray on how to fix this.

{19.} I would like Kristi , JSC, and Angela to send post some randoms too!

ps; Life- live it & love it.

Rough.

Today....I am struggling. All of a sudden my eyelids weigh about a gazillion pounds and I yawn every 2 minutes.

I. am. tired.
not just tired. tired. BIG difference.

I have had a ton on my mind with the Arthritis Walk, I have even dreamed about it! So I haven't been sleeping as well as I could. Then yesterday, as I was parking my car in my garage and unloading my bags of things from my day, my phone rings. There were a few people I thought it could be, but it wasn't.

It was my PB . That's right! A phone call out of the blue. I love those. We got to talk for a little over an hour and a half and catch up on how our weekends were. He is doing a bunch of travelling for the next few days (lucky!), and we got to talk about our upcoming week too. Then we talked about my birthday dinner :) He promised that he'd take out to dinner, but there is a small situation because he lives almost an hour away. So we obviously need to plan a little bit. The place I work is awesome enough(most days..some days..every now and then?) to let us have a free room in our birthday month, as long as its not super busy. Which it's not next weekend. So we were talking about going out to dinner, he won't tell me where, and a drink and maybe a movie or something. Then he doesn't have to drive all the way home! Perfect! I am pretty darn excited about this non date birthday dinner. :)

Then in July, for his birthday, I'll head to where he lives and stay in a hotel room, and buy him dinner :) Only he'll be paying for my hotel room. I love having out of town friends :)


I can't think of anything else to write, Noodles.

*Wonderful

I had the best weekend! It was filled with my closest friends and family.

The Arthritis Walk was a huge hit, I had 38 people on my team walking for me! It was such a blessing to have everyone show their support for me.

To get mushy, for just a second, it meant the world to me to have my brother there. If you know him(or have ever heard me talk about him), he is not a people person like I am, we are complete opposites. He doesn't like big crowds, or doing things that he doesn't know exactly what is going to happen. He just doesn't (hardly ever) step out of his comfort zone. And he did. Twice. For his little sister. He drove 40 minutes to Rockford, was in a huge crowd (he even looked silly and did the stretches), he walked 3 miles (which completely wore him out because he smokes) and was surrounded by people the entire time, and he still had time to goof off with his wife and Baby B (who looked stinkin' cute in the bib her Auntie made her). I thought for sure he would want to get to their truck right away and head home. And instead, they stayed, took an enormous amount of pictures AND went to lunch with pretty much the whole dang team. God is at work in his heart, I can just feel it. okay okay..tearing up...switching subjects.

Speaking of Baby B..

It also meant so much to have one of my best friends there with me, even though she couldn't walk. Luckily JSC has a pretty amazing boyfriend(see below) that pushed her the whole 3 miles in a wheel chair. Thanks ducky, it made my day that much more special to have you there, even though you were freezing. I really really appreciate you and your friendship.

Okay! Seriously!

After the Walk we went to Perkins (not Bob Evans JSC) and had the rudest waitress. But it was still fun and the food was pretty good. I had my cheeseburger and then M's bacon and her pancakes..yum!

L, J, & C coloring at Lunch :)

The whole team :)

O & A being their super cute selves!

Then I got to go home and take a 2 hour nap, let me tell you, that felt good! After that I got dressed for the little gathering of family and friends at K.T. & J.T.'s house! That was so fun, and the cake was so dang good! Probably because it had pink frosting and pink filling. M and I headed downtown to Monte's after a while and had a fuzzy navel..can you say good? seriously. It was good time, plus we met some Random's in the parking lot who took our picture and gave me a dollar because we were celebrating my birthday! awesome.

My beautiful cake!

I heart Presents!
JSC, Me, O, & JV

me, M, & SM



me & M downtown :) love her!

Yesterday I stayed in my PJ's allllllll day. Did laundry and dishes and watched a lot of TV. Plus had all my windows open in my 3 season room, and my front door too! I heart spring, a lot.

jazzed.

Absolutely.



I had a pretty darn good weekend considering the weather. I wasn't all that sore (shout out to Jesus on that one..thank you!)



Friday was seriously nuts, both jobs were really busy. But I treated myself after work and went to bed pretty happy :) Saturday I only worked half a day and got to have a lunch date with one of my best friends. She is such an inspiration to me. She helped bring me to Christ when I showed her I was ready. I don't think she realizes how much she means to me. Enough sappiness. We 'lunched' for about 3 hours (which really..it wasn't enough time..but what is enough time when you get us together?) Then I headed home to spend a relaxing night alone with a movie and boy, was I looking forward to it! But then I got a call from my BFF M and we got to talking and she just has this way of energizing me! So I got dressed and picked her up and we headed to G.H. beach during a Thunder storm! SO beautiful since it wasn't yet dark, dark. We took some silly pictures and got Slurpee's and had so much fun in the rain. We stopped at my friend J.M.'s house on the way home to warm up and just hang out for alittle while. Then, of course we picked up TB and headed back to her house for a little while. When I got home I suddenly felt an urge to clean, and the next thing I knew..it was 3am! yikes! So I turned my movie that I was watching before I went out back on, and fell asleep on the couch.

I took Sunday morning for myself and went to work at 3 and went home..made some chips and cheese and relaxed and fell asleep around 1 this morning. Life was good :)



And that was my lovely little weekend.





I know I don't say this a lot but I am so happy that it's Monday and that the week has started. This week is going to be really busy for me as I am finishing up things for the Arthritis Walk in Rockford (http://www.arthritis.org/). I just got word that I will be able to pick my shirts up tomorrow! Really excited about that. I am still searching for plain brown onesies in 6-9 month sizes, but I have an idea if that doesn't work. And Iron-On's for the bigger kids. But I am pretty much all set and just trying to be organized for when I receive the donations for the shirts. I am feeling pretty good about it though! I am pretty happy that I only have 3 days at the Optical Office this week. That is awesome. Let's break it down:



Today(Monday)- I work at the Hampton until 5pm and then the Optical Office until 9:30

Tuesday- I only work at the Hampton, until 3 (insert happy noise here) and after that I plan on going over to my parents house to create a photo book for of Baby B. Then I am going *shopping* for brown onesies and iron-on's AND a new outfit for Saturday when we go out for my birthday! Hopefully my S-I-L will come with me. And I will hopefully have time in there to pick up my shirts for the Arthritis Walk too! I hope they turned out okay!

Wednesday-I work at the Hampton until 4pm and then at the Optical Office until 9:30. Not going to be doing much that day...try to fit in tanning :) Oh and I need to bake some cup cakes for a bake sale too :)

Thursday- I work from 7-5 at the Hampton, maybe do some ironing and cleaning! Or more *shopping*? if I haven't found that cute little birthday outfit that I have pictured in my head.

Friday- I work at the Optical Office until 1 in the afternoon and then I have a hair appointment at 2. Then I am going to hang out with Baby B for a while!

Saturday is of course The Arthritis Walk! I have to get there around 8:30am. I am so freaking jazzed. I am excited for pictures and the talking while we're walking and just being around my closest friends and family! We're all going out to lunch after that and then I'm going to go home to hopefully take a nap before we head out to dinner at Monelli's for drinks and Spinach and Artichoke dip and then to K.T.'s & J.T.'s for some cake! Then it's time to head downtown for some bar hopping. I haven't gone out downtown in months. This will be great. Unless, something else great happens. which I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, but hey..a girl can hope right? right. Thanks.

Sunday could go either way, with relaxing, driving home, church, walking, rollerblading, or lunch on the patio. Either way..sounds good.

NEXT Monday I work 8am-9:30pm between both jobs
Tuesday- 7am-9:30pm between both jobs, hopefully the girls from the optical office will go out for a drink with me!
Wednesday..My Birthday!! I only work from 11am-3pm (awesome!) I already have breakfast plans, and dinner plans and a special few minute phone date and just an awesome relaxing, all about me kind of day. :)
Thursday I work from 7am-9:30pm between both jobs
Friday-Sunday(I think) leaving for Petoskey for the WHOLE weekend for my cousins Wedding! Usually I dread weddings because I hate going alone. But I am pretty excited about going and getting away for a few nights! Bring on the Chicken Dance! And the YMCA and Shout! I plan on doing them all! I even bought new shoes to go with my dress :) Check facebook for pictures :)

Whew! That is my life for the next few weeks. But it's all good stuff that I am excited for! Plus somewhere in there hopefully my friend J.M. promised to take me to dinner and some putt putt golf...yay!


Alright, thanks for reading my longest post ever. Have a good day!

Grade: { F- }

I feel like I haven't been a very strong Christian lately. I have let certain {bad} things/people surround me. I hate how sexual the world (my hometown) has become. Suddenly it's acceptable to say inappropriate things to just anyone.

Makes me feel a little sick to my stomach to even think about them.

I am all for joking around and having a good time and even being flirty at times.

This is what makes me think that I don't want to get married anymore. I know there are good guys out there, {This guy that I work with actually helped me see that last night} but I'm just not sure it's worth it, because most of the men in my life{married, in a relationship or single}, are not living like the men of God I thought they were. I know no one is perfect or right all the time..but they should know not to be that WRONG.

Agh!

On a lighter note, I am excited to spend some quality time with my one of my BFF's tonight. We had some good girl time on Saturday, and tonight will be so much fun. Even though we were together for a couple of hours on Saturday, there are still SO many things I want to talk and pray about with her tonight! ps-JSC I thought our cravings for food :) We have quite the interesting palates love!

ps- I wore my hair down and straight today..not sure how I like it :o/ BUT I do like some glasses I tried on yesterday,lets take a vote!!! Which one looks better?

He Has Risen!

Happy Easter!

The thing I love about this Holiday, is well, Jesus :) Easter signals hope and I love hope :)

I am working right now, from 7am-3pm today (can we say time and a half!?) and then hopefully going to my Aunties for a lovely Ham dinner! I love ham.

I want to thank everyone who has been praying for my family and I in our not so desirable situations that have been happening lately. I sure appreciate it!

Yesterday was good, considering. I was so sore that my manager at the optical office let me stay home from work. Thank you ND! So I went to brunch with my family then went out for coffee with KC & JS. I hadn't seen them in about a month, so it was good to check in and catch up. Then I went and gave Baby B her Easter presents (a photobook and teething rings) then went home to finish up some spring cleaning (call me lame, that's fine) and I get this phone call..that's right..a phone call! Not a text! It was my PB! Wondering how I was doing and how my weekend was going. He had e-mailed me earlier in the week saying how he was dreading this weekend because he had to move everything out of his condo on Saturday. That's all the time he had! So this weekend was going to be rough for him. So he was just kind of hanging out in his empty condo and wanted to check in. I told him I was being lame because I was kind of sore, and really..there wasn't much going on. So then he said we could hang out, and I was all over that! Of course I'm already in my PJ's and ready for bed (I know..and it was only 8:15!) so I was like okay...where should we meet? And he's all..well I can just come there, we can just hang out and catch up and chat. And all I could think is Thank you Jesus for putting me in a cleaning mood earlier in the day! So he came over, he drove 35 minutes(which totally blows my mind BTW) and I gave him a tour of my house, and we just sat on my couch and talked and talked and told stories and asked questions and just hung out. No TV, no radio, and it seemed like about a half hour had gone by and it had been 2 hours! And I had to work at 7, and he still needed to drive back to his buddies house where he'll be staying for the next couple weeks, which was about 45 minutes away. Plus he was tired from moving all of his stuff, and I was tired from just moving my crippled body all day, so we were pretty much falling asleep on the couch and yawning like crazy.
I can't even express in words how nice it was just to hang out with someone and have fun. We laughed so much, and it was just easy sitting there facing each other with our legs stretched out and talking. I hope it happens again soon. I'm just so happy to have a friendship that is 2 sided, not one person trying for more than what the other person wants. I hope that makes sense.

Whew! I need to take a break with the typing, because my wrists are getting a little sore, but there is a story about when I went to coffee that is quite interesting.

6 days and counting!

6 days until I can get my infusion...please GOD make this time go by FAST! I work everyday until then, so hopefully that'll help!

Yesterday, to say the least, was a not so good day. Everything happens for a reason though, and God has shown me some good :)

I was suppose to have a dinner & movie night with Cassie yesterday, but for whatever reason, our signals got crossed and it didn't happen, so I went out to dinner with ML. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings (SO good!) And I got Spicy Garlic Wings..just so he didn't get any ideas on kissing or anything. The dinner was fine, I guess. He is a nice guy, there is just nothing there, does that make sense? I want to be excited to go out with someone, and not want them to bring me home and can't wait to hear from them the next day. Not, trying to figure out what a legitimate excuse to not go out might be!

So, since I am Dating Girl now, I think I might out with JR again. The boxing match was interesting enough, and he wants to take me on a date out to Grand Haven. Grab some food and walk on the beach. Won't it be a little too cold to do that right now? Maybe we can post-pone it for a couple of weeks?


The good thing that happened last night is that I got to talk to my PB!!! We talked for about 2 hours and got caught up on the happenings in our lives, and talk about getting together. It was so nice. I can't wait to hang out with him. The dates that I have been going on...there has just been pressure ya know? Kind of wondering what they are thinking...or just not really enjoying the night, or thinking about other things..idk. So When PB and I hang out, it'll just be fun. Needless to say, I am excited!

Another thing that I am excited about is TD getting his Easter package today! I'm semi-bummed, since I ruined the surprise..but it's still a surprise as to what goodies are in the box! I really hope he likes it though :)

Anyway...please please send me your prayers, so I can hopefully stop limping!

Oh bOy

Where even to start!

I have had SO much going on in my life in the past week that it is just crazy...and it's always hard to tell exactly how much information I should put out in the 'blogesphere'.

Lets start with Valentines Day. I was a little nervous about how I would be feeling on that day this year. So I prayed to God that he would just comfort me during that day. Boy did He deliver! I had woke up a little early and went and saw my grandma before I came into work. It was so good to see her! I was there for about 15 minutes. Then I came into work and 'K' at work had brought in all the "Fixin's" for an amazing salad. It was great! I felt special :) I had made chocolate pumpkin muffins for our dessert :) I love being girly and having lunch dates.

Then after work I ran over to see my Valentine (aka Brylee May), to give her LOTS of hugs and kisses and 'Auntie loves you's". Man I love that girl!

I went out for dinner with my cousin Kelly and my cousin Conrad's(Kelly's brother) Fiance, Jen. We met at Fridays and had a fabulous dinner with great conversations and two Junebugs a piece! Needless to say..it was a good dinner. After that we went to a sold out showing of He's Just Not that Into You. GREAT movie! We laughed, and cried.

I got home a little after midnight, had Kelly spend the night, we talked for a while and then had to go to sleep to get up for work the next day. It was probably the 2nd best Valentines Day I have ever had:)

Now, onto a more sensitive subject. I'm not sure even how or where to begin. Or how much to say.
I almost don't want to say anything, just because I'm tired of thinking about this whole situation.
hmm..I'm gonna pray on this for a little while.

almost ready...

So, I have my new post pretty much all set. I have a little bit more to add, but before I post it, I want to make sure Kelly gets our notebook before I post it on here, and I want to work with Merr too. Just incase.

So this Saturday I will post about my crazy week. :)

love to all

*Rach

My hair needs a trim

Yesterday, God showed Himself to me through friends.

First, let me say that I am in such a good giddy mood, it's probably because in approximately 16 minutes, I will be getting a Egg, Bacon, Cheese, BAGEL. For those that work with me, you know what a treat this is!

Ok, so back to yesterday. I wouldn't say I was sad, so that's a HUGE blessing right there. But as I was laying down to take a short nap before I went out to dinner with Winnie, my door bell rang, incessantly. So I get up and try to peak out my kitchen window, and I can see the car..but I don't really recognize it. So I go and open the door and there is Melissa! I haven't see here since just after New Years, so it's been quite a while and it was SUCH a nice surprise. She brought me my Christmas Presents (soooo many cute things!) and I got so many hugs..it was such a blessing to see her.
Then I got to go out to dinner with Winnie, whom I also haven't really seen since New Years, we went to The Rainbow Grille (so good) and we split an order of Onion Rings (the RB has the BEST homemade onion rings) and we each had a banana split, which we each only ate about half of..maybe less(3 giant scoops of ice cream, too much caramel to mention, whip cream, nuts, and 3 cherries!) PLUS 2 cups of pretty darn good coffee..in pretty darn dirty coffee cups..so that was nice. haha
After that I dropped by to see my parents and have coffee with them (add 2 more cups..plus 2 from work earlier in the day) and I got a text from my friend K, and she just wanted to tell me she was thinking about me and praying for me.

Can we say, what an unbelievably great day!?

1 year

I know it's stupid.

1 year ago today is when Stephen and I 'broke up'

Not sure how I'm feeling about, since we talked about 5 days ago.

Mostly, I feel over it. I think. I wish I were more over it so I could move on. In time I suppose.

I'm not super sad or anything. More of reflecting on this past year and our relationship. I'm going to not do that so often anymore. I've talked to God about this, I'm putting it in His hands :)

ANWAY

tomorrow night is Ladies night :)

My mom, Courtney, and I are going out to dinner. With out Brylee. It'll help to make it easier for Courtney to go back to work if we get her out with out Brylee little by little. So we're hitting an early bird dinner (around 4:30) and then heading back to their place. I'm excited, we're going to Olga's Kitchen..MAN I love that place!

I also love Taco Bell..I went there twice yesterday

nervous.

I am NERVOUS about tomorrow.

I have my 6 week infusion / having my blood drawn. Which, usually, not really that big of a deal. It is part of my life, and it makes me feel better.

I am afraid though, that tomorrow my specialist will be able to tell that I am not myself, notice that maybe I'm not as chatty as I usually am, and again try to have me talk to my regular physician about being depressed. Wanting to put me on pills, more pills. I'm afraid that my nurse is going to ask me how I'm doing and I am going to absolutely break down and start crying.
I haven't cried in quite some time, I have been on the verge countless times, but I haven't let myself completely go. They are also going to notice that I have gained weight, isn't that a sign of depression? I don't think I've gained a noticeable amount, but maybe?

I feel small. I feel alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or text or call them back. I'm tired, I slept 10 hours last night and have been exhausted all day.

I'm frustrated. Today, I had a "Lady Doctor" apt. Just a check up. And I have been wondering for quite some time, if I would be able to have kids, if I am fertile, or if my body could physically handle it. I am going to have to be off my meds for the duration, and I can hardly go 6 weeks with out feeling intense pain in my knees, ankles, and neck. And that is with out carrying a baby in me. But my Doctor said there was no way to check, I just have to try to have a baby, then I'll find out. But she said that I have to have an absolutely planned pregnancy. No oops. Because if there is, my meds will mutilate my baby or terminate my pregnancy all together. But they can't check to see if I can even get pregnant, is that true?

I would really like to know now if I am able to have a baby. I would like to know before I get married. Now is an ideal time because I am single. I feel I should let a guy know before we get too serious, because it might be an issue if we have to adopt or try to find a surrogate. I'm mad that I have to even think about this right now. I feel like I have to start saving for adoption, or a sperm bank or something because I don't know if I'll have a husband, if I'll find someone. And I'm tired of waiting.

Why would God put such a strong desire in my heart? I feel like this waiting is killing me. My heart is going to pound out of my chest with frustration. I don't know not to just be happy with how my life is. Why do I want more? I have an amazing family. I at least have a job, not everyone these days can say that. Why can't that be enough? Why do I desire and hunger for more?

I can't finish this now, I am starting to cry and I am working upfront. Very unprofessional.

I guess stay tuned for tomorrow, to see if I am put on even more meds.

?

This is my life right now.


I feel like I am on 'auto pilot' for everything, because I have no idea what I want, or where my life is going.

I don't feel upset over anything, in my personal life. Things are for the most part, fine. I am healthy(not sick with a cold or flu or anything), Brylee is doing better. I have been spending time with my mom. I started Weight Watchers with a group of family/friends. I am very excited about this. We are going to have weekly 'weigh-ins", but it'll be private. But it's a chance to see how each other is doing and share some new recipes and walk together and even play the Wii! Spending time with my cousin-in-law to be, which is particularly important to me right now, since my cousin, J, is in the Marines and will be gone until at least August. That is hard. So we went for coffee and she is going to be coming to be joining us for weekly meetings and walks when she doesn't have class. It's nice to have something to look forward to. We also plan to watch the bachelor at our meetings. Man I love that show!

One thing I have been struggling with lately, is sleep. I feel like I fall asleep around midnight-ish each night. Which isn't terrible. But when my neighbors, (who are 55+) start rocking and rolling around 12:30am-2:30am, that keeps me up and I can't fall back to sleep right away. So I've tried sleeping on my couch, but I don't sleep a 'good' sleep. I am in the middle of writing a 'polite' complaint. If that makes sense.

I am looking forward to next Friday. I am getting my infusion. I am very interested to see how my joints are doing and more importantly my red blood cell count, or my hemoglobin. And see if I can warm my specialist up to the idea of me getting a tattoo :) Wish me luck!

The weight of the ? is heavy though. My neck and shoulders hurt. This time of year depresses me. I know it affects a lot of people though.
It is becoming more apparent at work that I need to find another job. It hurts to say this, because there are some people there that I just don't want to leave. It has been made clear that I am replaceable, and just an employee who's feelings or personal life schedule does not matter. Kris, I'm sorry, but I have to vent!

I have an interview on the 26th, so pray that goes well!

I am done venting for now. Mainly because looking down at the screen is reeking havoc on my neck.

Mama, I miss you!
Angela..take care of her!

Sensitive to Life.

That's how I feel right now.

My head is sensitive to sound, as I have THE worst headache I've had since I can remember..probably because I was crying so hard I actually made myself throw up last night...er this morning, it was after midnight that's for sure.

My eyes are sensitive to light, as my lids are swollen from crying so hard, I thought they'd bruise from being clamped shut so hard.

My voice is sensitive and tired, from yelling out to God last night for some sort of understanding. For trying to voice my frustrations with Him, for crying out to feel Him in anyway I could.

My back, arms, and legs are sensitive to movement, because I shoveled my brothers driveway(ok only half of it) yesterday. I haven't shoveled in OVER 10 years. yikes.

My heart is sensitive with longing, because as I held my niece yesterday, I realized how far away I am from being able to have my own kids.

My feelings are OVERLY sensitive, from my lack of sleep. So they are hurting from not getting a call back from of my best friends when I REALLY needed to someone to talk to last night. When I feel like I have been avoiding a certain friend, because I have been overly sensitive, and don't want to make TOO much out of a situation.
Also, because a boy that I was trying to have a good time getting to know, let me know that we can't be more than just friends if we are not physical(ie; sex). I am trying to not take it personally, since we didn't really know each other that well. I am trying to hold onto my faith with both hands. Knowing that God saw me take a stand for what I believe in (Him) and am not going to settle for less than someone who will worship with me. Wow, this is hard. I keep getting told it will all be worth it someday, the wait I mean. When I find that special someone. But damn. Hurry up!

My paranoia is overly sensitive, as I look up from this post and find 4 guests looking at me. Creepy.


To be left on a good note; I am glad to be working with Kristi today, even if we don't talk about my sensitivity, I know I will laugh and have a better day once she gets here.
I also will have a new post coming soon, about my *niece* Brylee May, and yes, there will be pictures. Angela, if you read this, thank you so much for texting with me. She's home and doing very well. Except, I'm sure she misses her Auntie Rachel.

Whooosh

That is the sound of air coming out of my lungs with an exasperated disapointed sigh.

WHY do I let myself get SO excited about things? I get my hopes up and then SMASH..they get crushed. I feel like I am so ready to GO...to let God fully take the reins and lead me to something more.

I wish my friends would actually go through with these fun ideas that we have..we're only young once ya know? Lets live it up! I do love how some of my friends are all 'carpe diem' about things..but we aren't 16 anymore either..we do have responsibilities..lets think ahead too..is that so hard?

Now my mood definitely fits this gloomy rainy cold day.

Looks like I am going to have to do things on my own.

Independent

I am finally on my own. Mostly. I will definitely be writing more later on how I got the chance to live on my own. But for now, I want to whine.

I am trying to be more independent and do things by myself. No one told me that Independence comes at a price. What does it cost you ask? Pain.

I seriously hurt my back..I mean really. Why? Because I needed to lift all of those damn boxes by myself! It was my stuff, and I was moving it to my place..

so I was the one that should move them.

Ever heard of the expression, 'Lift with your knees'? I need to learn how to do that.

I love living on my own :)

What if's, Maybe's, and Things I Love

I have a lot of 'What ifs" going through my head lately...and a lot of things that could 'Maybe" happen. It's all very excited, but at the same time, I am trying to be careful as to not get my hopes up TOO high.

::Insert New Subject::

Things I love:
Coffee
The Color Pink
My New Hair Cut
My New Hair Color
The Fact That it is Summer
I am Getting Closer to Jesus
Slowly, I am Feeling More Independent, Depending on the Day :)
My Cell Phone
That I Have a Job
My Steve Madden Sandals
My Gucci Purse and Matching Wallet
Being Tan
Laying on the Beach
Being a Christian
SunShine
Hugs
Kisses
Being in Love
HOLDING HANDS
Moving on from Mistakes in the Past
Kristi McWilliams!!!



I'll wait until I find out for sure, but I am SUPER excited about a big MAYBE..because its a PROBABLY.

I'm out of things to write

Up-lifting

Last night was a lonely night for me.


I know how blessed and well spoiled I am. I come from a good home, have 2 wonderful parents who love and adore me, an older brother that would do anything for me, and a handful of friends that are there when I need a good hug. But ever since Stephen and I 'broke up' I have had this loneliness, obviously.
So Ive been trying to deal with being more on my own, be more independent. But even though I know its inevitable, my grandfathers days are numbered and it's breaking my heart, I try to be strong for my parents and grandma, but I feel alone, I feel I don't have a 'rock' anymore..no one for me to cry on. I'm feeling feelings that I can' describe because I've never had anyone close to me pass away before.. I have high hopes for this new man in my life, I know He'll never let me know and always be there for me, no matter what. That's an amazing feeling, so I'm trying to grow with that and let Him guide me to happiness, because I know if I don't have Him, I won't be able to achieve happiness.
Dear Lord, my God, I am so blessed to be one of Your children, to have You be number 1 in my life, and to have this weight lifted by knowing You.
So Instead of watching TV to keep my mind on other things until I fell asleep like Ive been doing lately, I decided to read my bible in hopes of it calming me down and making me feel better. It of course, worked.

So just in case someone needs some uplifting-ness(yes I made that up), Here are a few verses that helped me:

Romans 8:38-8:39
38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 1:5
5 "Before I started to put you together in your mother, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart as holy. I chose you to speak to the nations for Me."

Jeremiah 1:7-1:8
7 But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a boy.' You must go everywhere I send you. And you must say whatever I tell you. 8 Do not be afraid of them. For I am with you to take you out of trouble," says the Lord. (thanks Melissa!)


If anyone has anymore that they want to share let me know!

God Bless :)