Done.

I am done putting myself out there. And no, I am not just talking for guys. For people in general. Maybe it's because I am tired right now that I feel the need to put it in writing, but I can't do it anymore.
I try to go the extra mile for my friends and do sweet things for guys, or at least put myself out there and try to make a connection...romantic or otherwise...and I am lead on and get my hopes up and then get crushed.

What is it about me that makes people think that's okay? What is it about my personality that makes my 'friends' think that they can just walk all over me, and then come back like nothing has happened. Like they don't have to call me when they say they will, ever, or tell me they are hoping to meet me for dinner, or want to hear my voice on the other end of the line for just a little bit longer, tell me they can't wait to talk to me the next day, and then just don't call after standing me up the night before..WHY IS THAT OKAY!?

I thought maybe that I had been blessed by meeting a quality guy, he went to a good school, is close with his family, he even goes to church on a regular basis....he seemed to enjoy our conversations, even bantered with me, which..those who know me, know I love a good banter. Then we were suppose to go out for a friends birthday, have dinner, and just have a good time getting to know each other...he tells me he hopes to see me the next day, he's looking forward to it. Then when that day comes, he decides to not text me back, twice, BUT he does text back one of my friends, FOUR times. Then he decides to call me at 3:30am to tell me to NOT be mad (what? really?) and I said I wasn't mad, just disappointed. But then he goes on about how he wants to see me and going to Midnight Service on Christmas Eve with HIS PARENTS, and how he doesn't know what I have going on the next day, but he wants to cook me dinner, and what time can he call me the next day? I said call me ANYTIME, and guess what time he called? That's right...he didn't. The roads were HORRIBLE yesterday, so finally around 11:00 AT NIGHT I sent him a text, asking if he was okay...about 5 minutes later I get one back saying he just FINE and how am I doing? Did I get some sleep? He has a friend over right now.

What the *F* ever.

I am done. I am done wanting a boyfriend.


And then there is my "best friend" who I use to see 3-5 times a week, because I would drive to her house, even if it was for only an hour..just to catch up and what not. Then, I decided that, since my finances are a smidge tight right now, I probably shouldn't be driving 25 minutes that often..so what happens...because I stopped making an effort? I dint see her for almost a month, and that is only because I drove to her house and PICKED HER UP and we went to a hockey game, then back to my house, then to HOLLAND in terrible weather to get HER a Christmas tree, then drove back to her house and then back to mine. Did I get offered any gas money? Take a guess. And then we were suppose to go away for the weekend, and that got canceled, but we were suppose to hang out and go shopping and maybe even spend the night together, and then I find out that she decided to go up north with some friends for the weekend instead, but she'd call me when she got home on Sunday..that was over a week ago...still waiting to hear from her. I'm not holding my breath. I feel like I have a bazillion more instances where I have put myself out there and got my hopes up with things she has said, only to be let down.

I am done! I can't take anymore.


If I don't get my hopes up, I can't be let down.

Hopefully the next time I blog, I won't be so bitchy..but then again..

Angela

I think this is what I want. I think.

I think I am going to finally feel single. Im not sure though. Honestly, if he were to walk in my front door..I can't say that I wouldn't melt right back into his arms and be happy there forever. I can't say that at all. But chances are pretty good that he won't do that. And I need to move on. It's funny because sometimes, I am still angry at him. I am more angry at myself, for not standing up more for what I wanted at the time. Now, I am just trying to stand on my own.

I have been inspired by Angela, hence the title of my post :) to reveal my life of my new found single-ness and how God is writing my love story.

Living by the name of my blog won't be easy..since Im a planner..but we'll see how this goes!

..

Wow it sure has been a long time since I attempted a post.
This will probably be short since Scott and or John will be here in about 10 minutes.

It's funny, but Im actually thankful I am with them until 1:00 today. I can just be happy or crabby and they won't notice, because they really don't pay too close of attention to me. It's nice. So I can just pretend that I am fine, which I plan on being, and pretending to be from now on, and they'll just go along with it.

Speak of the Devils..

Whooosh

That is the sound of air coming out of my lungs with an exasperated disapointed sigh.

WHY do I let myself get SO excited about things? I get my hopes up and then SMASH..they get crushed. I feel like I am so ready to GO...to let God fully take the reins and lead me to something more.

I wish my friends would actually go through with these fun ideas that we have..we're only young once ya know? Lets live it up! I do love how some of my friends are all 'carpe diem' about things..but we aren't 16 anymore either..we do have responsibilities..lets think ahead too..is that so hard?

Now my mood definitely fits this gloomy rainy cold day.

Looks like I am going to have to do things on my own.

Puzzled

I don't know how people blog everyday..or every other day. My life is just not that exciting.

My Tuesdays and Thursdays are just work and school;

Tuesdays I work from 7:00am-3:00pm and then have class from 5:45pm-10:00pm
Thursdays I have class from 11:30am-2:45pm and then I work from 4:00pm-11:00pm

I have been busy on the weekends, with the ALS walk and the Breast Cancer Awareness Walk, Weddings, Baby Showers to come, seeing my friends and trying not to get sick..which I am completely on the verge of. My left gland is swollen and I am trying to drink as much Vitamin C as I can and just relax and not over-do on the extra curricular's.

I hate the sound of vaccuums. Hate hate hate them!

I want to move to Troy and work with Dawn at the Arthritis Foundation.

There...that is my randomness for the day.

Rain Rain Go Away...

This weather can seriously kiss my butt.

It's gloomy and kind of raining, but not really..so its like a mist, a nasty cold unwanted mist. It makes me achey and limp. I'm annoyed by the weather.

The more I think about it..October is a VERY busy month for me!
October 3 is Erins birthday
October 4 is Sara and Steves Wedding
October 7 is Courtneys Birthday
October 10 is my Grandma's Birthday
October 11 is the ALS walk with Cassie for her Dad
October 17 is my cousin Alisons birthday
October 18 is the Breast Cancer Awareness Walk, Apple Picking, and Girls Night
October 21 is Cassies Birthday
Then obviously Halloween, but I am working so that's not too big of a deal.

I also start my Badminton Class October 23!!

I am pretty sure that my grandparents anniversary is in there somewhere too. I think on the 7th?

I could even have a niece still in October, hopefully not...but if Courtney doesn't start feeling better, it's a possibility!

Hopefully November will be a little bit of a better month..not as busy. I miss my friends! I havent seen Melissa in a couple weeks..I havent seen Cassie in even longer and I am almost forgetting what Erin looks like! It's a good thing I dont have a boyfriend :) atleast thats what I keep telling myself..

I guess thats all for now

Apologetic...

I feel bad that I haven't posted in forever.

I feel like I need to censor what I type because SO many people have the link to this page, and while I don't believe most of them read it, they still have the option of being bored one day and reading through most of my posts and finding something they don't like.

Love is giving me the run around lately. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have been married when I was 21..first kid at 22-ish..and the bam bam bam..3 kids pretty much right in a row. That's how I thought my life would be. So when I think about how I am 23, single, and with out the desire to date, it makes me sad. I'd like to think that when(if) I do get married..it will be for always and forever. But with recent events that have happened in peoples lives around me...it has caused me to question everything. How am I to know? I know who I desire to be with, what kind of lifestyle I desire to have..but when someone whom Ive known, who I thought....though weird...had a 'picture perfect' marriage, divorces..it breaks my heart.

That brings me to another question..how do you know that you are over a past relationship? How do you even get over a past relationship when you don't want to? How do you get rid of the feeling that makes your stomach hurt every day because you know you care for them more than they care for you? All these questions have been running through my head over and over and over.... no wonder I haven't been able to sleep through the night in 24 days.

I think I've mentioned in previous posts that Ive moved out of my parents house..into a condo..that my grandmother owns...here's the story..:

My grandma and grandpa moved into that condo..umm..maybe 10 years ago? (that's a rough estimate) and as of a couple years my grandma hasn't been fairing so well physically. She is in a wheelchair, and had broken one of her arms(?) so her shoulders tended to get sore quickly..plus she has had a slew of illness'; from C-Diff..to dehydration..she was in the hospital and a nursing home quite a bit. Then my grandpa started to lose weight rapidly and started to pretty weak..it can't be easy pushing someone in a wheel chair all around..and helping them into bed..by he was SUCH a good husband that he did it for my grandma, no questions asked. Finally..last November, my dad and mom moved them into a retirement home/ assisted living center. It is the best center I have ever been to! They genuinely care about their residents. I think in my grandparents mind, this was only a temporary move...to kind of give my grandpa kind of a break, to give him some help with helping my grandma, so that maybe he could gain some weight, be able to relax for a little while. So they did not sell their condo. However, this was not the case..I think it was January-ish that my Grandpa found out that his lung cancer was back, badly. The Dr's gave him 3-5 months. And while I tear up when I say this, I believe my grandpa made it just past 5 months before he went to be with his Lord. Rest in Peace Grandpa, we all love you so incredibly much, and miss you more than I thought it was possible to miss someone. I will always remember the last time I saw you..it was the day I was in the paper..and my mom and dad were out of town, so I thought I would drop in and see you and grandma for a few minutes to help break up your day..you were laying on the bed and grandma was at the table..I talked to grandma for a few minutes and we decided to go for a little walk to give you some quiet. When we got back you kept calling me 'that hot chick that's in the paper'..I crawled onto the bed to lay by you and leaned over so you could give me a kiss on the cheek before I left. It was perfect grandpa..absolutely perfect.
Getting back on track;
Now obviously my grandma cannot live alone. The assisted living center is where she needs to stay. But there was an issue with their condo, she does not want to sell it yet, I think it makes her sad to think that she can't be by herself, and plus that is the last 'place' that her and my grandpa lived together, there are lots of great memories there..I don't think she is ready to let go yet. This is where I come in. Eventually the condo will need to be sold, when is unclear. But as my aunt says, a place is easier to sell when their are people living in it. So I moved in. The weekend of July 4th my parents and I scrubbed and cleaned and moved me in.
So that's it...I am lucky enough to be living in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, floor condo. Alone. Now if that story doesn't scream how blessed I am..I don't know what will.

Whew! Talk about a lengthy post!