Apologetic...

I feel bad that I haven't posted in forever.

I feel like I need to censor what I type because SO many people have the link to this page, and while I don't believe most of them read it, they still have the option of being bored one day and reading through most of my posts and finding something they don't like.

Love is giving me the run around lately. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have been married when I was 21..first kid at 22-ish..and the bam bam bam..3 kids pretty much right in a row. That's how I thought my life would be. So when I think about how I am 23, single, and with out the desire to date, it makes me sad. I'd like to think that when(if) I do get married..it will be for always and forever. But with recent events that have happened in peoples lives around me...it has caused me to question everything. How am I to know? I know who I desire to be with, what kind of lifestyle I desire to have..but when someone whom Ive known, who I thought....though weird...had a 'picture perfect' marriage, divorces..it breaks my heart.

That brings me to another question..how do you know that you are over a past relationship? How do you even get over a past relationship when you don't want to? How do you get rid of the feeling that makes your stomach hurt every day because you know you care for them more than they care for you? All these questions have been running through my head over and over and over.... no wonder I haven't been able to sleep through the night in 24 days.

I think I've mentioned in previous posts that Ive moved out of my parents house..into a condo..that my grandmother owns...here's the story..:

My grandma and grandpa moved into that condo..umm..maybe 10 years ago? (that's a rough estimate) and as of a couple years my grandma hasn't been fairing so well physically. She is in a wheelchair, and had broken one of her arms(?) so her shoulders tended to get sore quickly..plus she has had a slew of illness'; from C-Diff..to dehydration..she was in the hospital and a nursing home quite a bit. Then my grandpa started to lose weight rapidly and started to pretty weak..it can't be easy pushing someone in a wheel chair all around..and helping them into bed..by he was SUCH a good husband that he did it for my grandma, no questions asked. Finally..last November, my dad and mom moved them into a retirement home/ assisted living center. It is the best center I have ever been to! They genuinely care about their residents. I think in my grandparents mind, this was only a temporary move...to kind of give my grandpa kind of a break, to give him some help with helping my grandma, so that maybe he could gain some weight, be able to relax for a little while. So they did not sell their condo. However, this was not the case..I think it was January-ish that my Grandpa found out that his lung cancer was back, badly. The Dr's gave him 3-5 months. And while I tear up when I say this, I believe my grandpa made it just past 5 months before he went to be with his Lord. Rest in Peace Grandpa, we all love you so incredibly much, and miss you more than I thought it was possible to miss someone. I will always remember the last time I saw you..it was the day I was in the paper..and my mom and dad were out of town, so I thought I would drop in and see you and grandma for a few minutes to help break up your day..you were laying on the bed and grandma was at the table..I talked to grandma for a few minutes and we decided to go for a little walk to give you some quiet. When we got back you kept calling me 'that hot chick that's in the paper'..I crawled onto the bed to lay by you and leaned over so you could give me a kiss on the cheek before I left. It was perfect grandpa..absolutely perfect.
Getting back on track;
Now obviously my grandma cannot live alone. The assisted living center is where she needs to stay. But there was an issue with their condo, she does not want to sell it yet, I think it makes her sad to think that she can't be by herself, and plus that is the last 'place' that her and my grandpa lived together, there are lots of great memories there..I don't think she is ready to let go yet. This is where I come in. Eventually the condo will need to be sold, when is unclear. But as my aunt says, a place is easier to sell when their are people living in it. So I moved in. The weekend of July 4th my parents and I scrubbed and cleaned and moved me in.
So that's it...I am lucky enough to be living in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, floor condo. Alone. Now if that story doesn't scream how blessed I am..I don't know what will.

Whew! Talk about a lengthy post!