With drawls..

I am on blogger! At work!

I have been having some serious with drawls of blogging lately. Especially since deleting my facebook. {gasp!} I know, sounds like absolute craziness to do that, but it's the right thing for right now :)

I have spent a lot of time in prayer for the past couple weeks. Actually, at first, I knew I should be praying, but I knew I wasn't going to want to hear with Someone was about to tell me. So I put it off, because, well, I'm human, and sometimes I just want what I want, my conscience be damned. However, these things have a way of catching up with you.
Sometimes, I have a pity party, because of my arthritis. And so I just decide to push it to the back of my mind and not take care of myself. Then I end up getting sick and have LOTS of time to think about how if I would have just stayed on the 'right' path, I would be healthy right now and not missing out on things. And as my PB pointed out the other night, things could be a lot worse.
I need to toughen up a little bit.
Which will not be easy, I have been spoiled by pretty much everyone in my life. So I've gotten "soft", as a certain PB let me know. I definitely want to "remain me' as cheesy as that sounds. But since I don't feel like God has told me it's time to settle down and get married anytime soon, I need to be able to handle things on my own. Especially because I have really felt the pull from Him to move away from home for a little while at least, hopefully with the Arthritis Foundation.(another post to come on that!)So really need to figure out how to let more things roll off my back, and to not let myself get down on things I can't control.
That's a lot to accomplish! Good thing I'm not alone. :)

Moving on..I really hope blogger keeps letting me log in at work!
I feel like there is more to say, ohwell :)

hello stranger!

So I am getting super frustrated with blogger.com at work. Its been close to a month since I've been able to access the site and vent or gush or anything!

I have had a very busy summer! Between New York twice, camp, going to the Youp, taking day trips, and trying to work a little here and there haha.
Next weekend (the 26th) Jen, Kelly, and I are going to Detroit for the night..just because! I love nights like that!

I have been wanting to blog about my 2nd trip to New York, like I did the first time. but it was quite different this time, for one, I was there for 3 more days than the first time. And two, we did lots of different things. But I'll save that for another time, maybe. It's almost so special that I don't want to share it with anyone :)

Lets see, oh! I am actually typing this out at work, in an e-mail, saving it as a draft..then copy and pasting it into blogger.

I'm not sure how many of you follow the blog www.mattlogelin.com ....if you don't you should. When I first started reading, it almost depressed me. okay, not almost..it did. So I had to stop reading for a while, but the more I thought about it, it's such a great blog. Matt is hilarious and I look forward to his updates. He is having a charity event tomorrow actually in MN and since I couldnt go, I donated and got a shirt! It was fun to get a package in the mail :)

*Random*- When I was 20, then guy that I had been dating for almost a year and I decided to take a 'break' {whatever that means when you're not official..but whatever...} and I met this other guy, SV, and we hit it off, and he was the first {and only} guy to ask me to be his girlfriend..it was so cute. He would come pick me up, wanted to meet my whole family, wanted to hang out with his and my friends, want take me out on dates, would bring me lunch at work... he was pretty darn great, except he smoked. Anyway, that lasted about a month haha, and then I got back together with the first guy {stupid!} And I maybe saw him 4 times since then, once just a couple months ago, I went over to his new house to catch up, and it was nice. So today, as Im working I hear the doors open and I look up, and there he is! He is on his college's bowling team and they practice at an ally near my work. And he says he passes by my work every week day and sees my car, and today he felt like stopping in to see me! It was nice, so we chatted for a few minutes, then wanted me to walk him out to his car. So I did. And we talked, and he wanted a hug, and said if it was okay he'd stop into see me again sometime.
That was a nice surprise :) And man, is he cute. Short, but cute. haha

Okay, have a good day!

{update}

Hi!

It has been quite a while since I have been able to get on this site! I usually blog at work, but for some reason..it has not been letting me log in!

I have so much to catch up. I just got back from Camp Dakota on Friday, that's the camp for kids that have R.A.

I'd like to vent about the bad news I got from my specialist yesterday

And about my upcoming trips that I am pumped about!

stay tuned for hopefully another update today :)

surprised...happily

I know there will be atleast one person, who will not be happy to hear what I am about to say...
But, that's life :) haha.

I had a really really nice conversation with someone on Sunday. Like, a 6 hour nice conversation, filled with prayer and honesty, forgiveness, and kindness.

It was unexpected, but I feel so much peace right now.

This person has been raised in a Christian home, has excellent inspirational leaders all around them, and he too, feels alone sometimes(boy, did that make me feel better. This man has always been able to make me feel physically attractive. But on Sunday, he made me feel beautiful spiritually. We talked about how different our lives are, because of our 'spiritual' support systems. And how, I have no one to lean on, look up to. And he has many people. But then he said how, maybe even soon, I will be much stronger, spiritually, than he is, because I have no choice but to lean on The Lord, where he still makes the mistake of leaning on his family sometimes, when he should be looking to Jesus. Wow, has he grown up lately. It was our first 'real' talk I think we've ever had in the 6-ish years that I have known him.

And, it's a little scary, because his name is Stephen.

Yes, Mama, I know how you feel about this...but I'm just not sure yet...

I have heard time and time again, that some of my best qualities are also my worst qualities...how do I change that about myself?

I feel broken.

My mom came to drop off some of my medicine that I left at her house yesterday, and I walked her out to her car, and ended up crying, right there in the parking lot. I haven't done that in a loooong time, not be able to hold myself together.
I want to apologize to my friends, because when I feel like this, I am not fun to be around, and I know that, and that is why I push you away. I'm sorry.

I have been told that I have a big heart, and that I give all of it, too easily. I am too trusting. And that is why I get hurt sometimes. I put myself into things too much, too quickly.

I don't know how not to do that though.

I sometimes hate how my boss pry's into my personal life; today, as I am taking a break in our back office, (I have my face in a book mind you..) he comes back there and asks how Church is and I say it's fine, trying to keep my answers as short as possible so hopefully he'll get the hint and oh I don't know, stop talking to me on my break, but no. He goes on to tell me that I am admirable, because I wasn't raised going to Church, and I don't have a 'support system' from my family, because no one else in my family goes. And how I go to church alone, and he thinks that's so great. He asked how I keep my head up, and keep going. I just answered that I didn't know, I just kept going. But the answer is that I am lonely, and that is the only place I feel peace.
It's not that I sit home alone on my nights off, and sit in the dark and sulk, I go out and have fun with my friends, it's just not where I wish to be.

Feeling like this is dangerous right now; my 'comfort zone' (ie RD) has been wanting to get together lately. It's been hard saying no to him. He knows how to hug me and make me feel better, in the moment anyway.
I keep telling myself to just worry about today, not about 5,10,15 years down the road..so why not try to make myself happy for today and see him? Because I will feel even more lonely if I do, I think.

I have been asking God for a lot of things lately. Mostly for Him to give me reasons as to why things happened the way they did. Why He planned actions to go the way they did. I know I will probably not get an answer from His mouth to my ears. While that would be great, it would also not test my faith. It's so easy to have faith when things are going so great isn't it? It's definitely another thing, when you feel like a shell of a person, to keep trudging through and singing His praises, when you don't know why things had to go the way they did.

I do feel like God is pushing me to be more on my own. I'm wondering if the 'non-believers' in my life, are (unintentionally of course) bringing me down. I am having more patience with this, then anything in my life. I am feeling restless and cooped up. But as we all know, I am a very emotional girl, and have been known to make rash decisions. I need to be careful with big decisions. I wish I had been more careful with my heart. Can't dwell though.(as I am still upset 5 days later haha..)

My heart is also heavy for a spectacular woman who has had an incredibly difficult week. It seems the hits keep coming from out of nowhere, and she just doesn't have a moment to herself. I wish I could make her see how grateful I am to her for making a difficult decision, I'm just not sure how.

I need to figure out how to keep my heart in check, it's hard because I feel as I've done a pretty good job, and have really only lost my heart to 3 guys as far as I can remember...as I reflected yesterday, the first I was just completely infatuated with him. Completely caught up. He probably hurt me the most though. It feels good to have forgiven him, and able to talk to him every now and then, and genuinely care how he is doing :) Boy, the second though..he completely rocked my world. He taught me lots of new things. He also showed me that I have 'stick-to-it-tive-ness' I truly loved him, and I back that with my actions. That I wanted to be with him, wanted him to have his own time, his time with the guys...3 years is such a long time to give yourself day after day, especially when you get taken for granted day after day. He was not always all bad though, and I hate that I still get upset when I hear someone say something negative about him. I wonder if I'll always feel that way? I am so grateful to him though, he introduced me to Jesus. Not just by telling me how wonderful He was, but by showing me through his day to day life, how much Jesus was involved, and how great life can be when He is by your side. This guy however, did not bring Jesus into our relationship. That's probably why it didn't last. I can't say for certain though, as God does not answer all of our questions of why. The third, while brief, and only a friendship, was the only 'relationship' I have ever had, that I felt God lead me to and was a part of. It was respectful, intense, kind, and happy. I wish everything was like that, only longer :)

Since this is longer than I thought; I'll leave with a verse of comfort:

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And because He knows, then I shouldn't have to worry. His will, will be done. I am nothing but a humble servant. Amen.

Hills and Valleys

When it rains, it pours.

I have a lump in my throat as I am mentally scolding myself for getting emotional at work. But, I need to vent, and everytime I try to talk about it withone of my close friends, I just tear up and the conversation goes nowhere.

So, as much as I would like to let it all out...I've been told a couple times by a couple of people that I over react, and that I am dramatic.

So I'll just keep this to myself.

Thanks Kris, for being the only one who listened and just let me talk. I really really appreciate you.

3 posts in 4 days?! Get out!!!

I am going a little "blogger crazy" the past couple of days...it's probably because I have been working by myself and am booooored..AND I am exhausted, so this is going to help me stay awake. Or, maybe it's because I want another Shout Out on Angela's blog for doing so well with keeping up with mine :)

{quick note to self-} taking a 'night time' cough medicine at 1:30am, when you have to wake up at 5:00am, is NOT such a good idea.
In my defense, I was so miserable from not being able to sleep that I didn't necessarily read the bottle that said it was 'recommended' that I get 8+ hours of sleep when taking this.
Oops.

Oh well; live and learn as they say.

I thought I would use this post to catch everyone up on what I have been up to since I've been home from my little 'adventure', especially people that I haven't seen. {insert a clearing of the throat noise here, Mama.}

I got home last Sunday {I can't believe I've been home for a week already!} and instead of unpacking, went for a quick 2 mile bike ride. ...after sitting in my car for the past day and a half, I was ready to stretch my legs and be outside for a little while. {another quick note to self..make sure to eat before you push your body like that..I was shaking when I climbed off my bike :) } After that I did a couple loads of laundry, made all of the phone calls I needed to, to let everyone know I was home and in one piece.
I don't think I took a nap, but I might have..after a while JSC, being the great BFF she is, stopped by to see me for a while before her weekly Sunday meeting. Then she asked if I wanted to take a swim in her dad's pool later that night. Obviously I wanted to :)
So, I hung out around my house a while, headed over to see my dad, and then headed to my 2nd fathers house :) We decided it was too chilly to swim, so we just hung out and talked{she let me gush} for a couple of hours instead. It's so great to have a friend that will just let you go on and on for hours :) Heart you Boo.
Monday I got up and had to work. I was in my bathroom getting ready and doing my hair, and my elbow hit my can of hairspray off the counter, that and my hairbrush and phone. I'll give you 2 seconds to guess which was the one and only item to land in my toilet.
Yep, you guessed it. RIP strawberry chocolate, I miss you already. Needless to say, that put me in a lovely mood. I was ready early so I thought I would stop by my parents house on my way to work, and give my mom a chance to cheer me up :) I walked in the door, and there layed my niece on the floor, rolling over, and then she saw me and I got the sweetest gummed smile ever.
My bad mood, gone.
I was so happy to see her that I kicked off my heels, and crawled over to her and laughed with her for about 10 minutes before I had to get to work. She is the best medicine. No questions asked. After work I stopped back over so I could hang out with Baby B some more and catch up with my mom. It was also nice to hang out with my S-I-L when she got out of work too.
My mom let me borrow her phone for the night, because my S-I-L & I were going to go phone shopping together the next day, since she needed a new phone too! Perfect.
So I went home, caught up with my PB, since he had rented a house for the weekend in Grand Haven with some friends, and gave me crap for not coming out. We talked for about an hour and a half, and then I felt it....
My left gland was swollen. I figured it was just because I was tired, so I took some sore throat medicine and was in bed by 9, and since I didn't have to wake up until 8:30 the next morning, I figured that would be enough time for me to kick that bug out of me. Wrong. I woke up several times during the middle of the night because I was in so much pain. Finally at 6:30 I got out of bed and e-mailed(I didn't have her number memorized, so I couldn't call her..) my friend Sarah from work and let her know that I was going to try to get into the doctor, and wouldn't be in to work. My doctor's office was so busy, that I couldn't even get in to see my doctor, it had to be his assistant, and they were being generous by squeezing me in at 2:00pm. So I went and waited and sure enough, I had strep throat. Gah! I haven't been sick in quite some time, so I really shouldn't complain, but Summer is the absolute worst time to get sick! But..silver lining? I lost 2.5 lbs :) Happy Girl. I have been trying to lose about 10 lbs. Hence my biking and walking...but now I know..just get sick! haha just kidding, but I'm still happy!
So I got a doctors note saying I couldn't work at either job the next day, and put on antibiotics for 10 days. These specific antibiotics bring up the toxicity in my arthritis medications. So I can't take those for 10 days, and one medicine, for 14, to make sure the antibiotic is out of my system completely. Wow. okay, I can deal.
Except I didn't. I was running a fever and felt like crap and was all alone. Which I can't really blame anybody since I was contagious. I did sleep a lot on and off though.
I was going to text JSC from my moms phone to tell her the 'good' news, but my moms phone had shut off and wouldn't turn back on..wtf? So I let it charge for a few hours, and nothing. .. So there I was alone, afraid that I was getting a kidney infection, and now, there was no way I could contact my family to come bring me to Urgent Care...F...M...L...
I woke up feeling better on Wednesday and just kind of hung out, and in the early afternoon my mom finally stopped by to check on me since I hadn't called her back. She brought me some Popsicles, and orange juice, and french toast sticks (God, I love that woman!) So that perked up my spirits some, and I slept on and off for the rest of the day.
Thursday I went to work, and had the best work day I have had in a long time, thanks Merr! I went to my parents for a hotdog dinner, and then headed home. My night sucked though because I couldn't sleep for more than an hour with out coughing so hard my eyes were watering..so I would prop myself up, and then I would wake up from pain in my neck from sitting like that for so long. So I moved from my room, to the couch in the living room, to the couch in the 3 season room, to guest room, and finally fell asleep there for a little while. I called into work again for Friday at about 1:30am and was able to sleep again until 5:00am, was up for about 3 hours and then fell back asleep until 11ish. I felt much better,so I did a bunch of cleaning and since I wasn't contagious went over to my parents house to see Baby B. Had hamburgers on the grill with my family, and then went home to relax with my friend JV. She was so stinkin' cute and brought me a little 'care package' complete with Chicken Noodle Soup, Figi Water, Spree's, and Chocolate. What more could a girl ask for? We were going to watch a movie, but we decided to talk for about 4 hours instead :) Only if we had, had wine, I couldn't have imagined a better Friday night spent with one of my girls.
Saturday was probably the longest work day known to man. I was semi- bummed that I couldn't be with my friends while they were cooking out, but I did make time and a half, and wasn't feeling all that up to getting crazy. And this way, everyone else could spend time with their families :) Plus, 4th of July is not that big of a deal to me anymore, now that I am not with a certain someone and spending the whole day boating and grilling and stuff. This was the first year that I was actually okay not being there. Go me :)
Today I feel MUCH better. still a little tickle in my throat, but with some rest tonight, that should be gone sooooon. Just in time for my week off! :) Man I planned that right haha. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do wth myself..I have a few idea's :o)

ps- This weekend marks a year of me living alone. My first night there, I thought for sure I would only make it a week or so and want to move back home. I'm really glad I stuck it out.

Okay, that was a little longer than I thought it was going to be.
Glad we are all caught up now!